InsaneJournal

[ViMH] #21: "There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you" - Maya Angelou
Dearest Heidi:

No more secrets. It is what we agreed and I am trying to adhere to this. But you are aware of my upbringing, some of the decisions I have made and sacrifices I have had to bear, so making this change in living is difficult. You have been on my mind a great deal since I have arrived here with Peter. You also seem to be in my dreams, as well. But that isn’t why I’m writing you.

In the hospital, I told you the truth about me and my brother and what we went through. What I didn’t get into were my reasons.

It connects to a year ago today, a day that will be forever burned into my memory as the day when everything changed. April 24th, 2006 was the day I stopped being the Nathan Petrelli I had always known myself to be. I’ve never been as powerless as I was in that moment when I found myself inexplicably moving skyward, Heidi. I didn’t understand what was happening to me, but the worst had happened. As much as I wanted and needed to help you, I couldn’t. If I was normal, if I had maintained control, I could have gotten out of the way. I had brought this upon our family. I was scared for a long time—both of myself and the route my life began taking. Things continued going out of control; I ended up pursuing politics due to my mother’s insistence, despite my own apprehension, which you are well aware about. We weren’t ready for that life and I regret taking you down that road with me. More than that, I regret that I failed to be the husband and father you needed me to be. It is still a great surprise to me that you’ve granted me forgiveness. I know I would not have been so accepting of my actions. But I am not trying to test that. You have always been strong, Hei, compassionate, forgiving. That accident, I wasn’t just afraid of myself, but I was afraid of how you were going to be changed by it. Your temperament, your humor, your strength, I feared I had taken it all away. I needed that person in my life. I knew you would have been able to help me in my crisis of self.

You make things simple to explain and comprehend. But I knew on that evening that I had finally gotten to you, squelching your unique and delicate spirit. It wasn’t by a conscious decision that I broke your heart, too; it was a consequence of my actions.

I know now that I can be the man you needed me to be then. There is nothing about what I can do that scares me anymore. What personal amends I needed to make with that I did so four months ago and then two weeks ago, in Texas. I am not afraid anymore. If I was, announcing to the public what I can do was a bad idea in more ways than one—which brings me to something else: while I wish you hadn’t gone through the trauma and heartache that I and the situation put you through, I don’t regret this road because of the outcome we have arrived to. I am going to be a whole man when all is said and done. I am going to cast light onto the sins of not just my parents, but the people they were in league with (and I’m sure it’ll be no surprise to you that Linderman had a very solid hand in their dealings—and one thing I hadn’t told you: while I did not take his life myself, I gave key information to a couple who did—a couple that, while I didn’t know well, I knew before in unusual ways—that explanation is too winded and overdrawn for this letter, but I will tell you later.) I don’t know how many other people like Peter and me have been scarred and used. But that couple I mentioned, Niki and DL Hawkins, and a New York cop, Matt Parkman, who originally is from California, and people who were held with Peter—one of the captors is a man named Bob Bishop. You might remember him as he was a friend of my parents’ too—I have a feeling that there are a lot of people out there like us. A lot of people who could still be getting used. This wasn’t some fly by night operation. Three states and thirteen different individuals—at least, Heidi. I want to help the people like me and Pete. I don’t know what I can do...at least help them get out of the situations they are in if they are under someone else’s control. I wonder how many of them heard my words and recognized what I was saying. You are the first to know about this, Heidi. I haven’t broached the topic to Peter. If you are willing, I want your support in this. I will understand if you decline, but I wish for your support and cooperation.

I am blessed to have an understanding wife. I should have told you sooner just how much that you mean to me. Thank you. When I return, Hei, I want to speak with you alone and then you with the boys. I want to know what is important to you in life and what you want. I’m confident in saying that we can find something that works for us all. I am learning things about my brother—and about me and my brother—that I didn’t know and it is something that should be part of our discussion. There are things concerning my brother that I cannot explain but...damn, I gotta say it...they feel right. It’s at the heart of this anniversary, too. Months before my brother told me he could fly, he told me something that still disturbed me when I told you what happened. Something that I blocked, or at least tried to block.

When you were in surgery, and I was waiting, Peter told me that he dreamt about the accident. He didn’t jut see the accident, but he saw the other car and he saw me fly. This became grounds to him for why I should have been accepting when he told me he could fly. He should have been right. In the same way that you should have been right about what version of your husband you were going to get after the accident, when I began reacting more to my fears. I’ve always admired that about you: you don’t run away from what fears you, but face it with open eyes and an open heart. You attempt to understand, even when nothing makes any sense. You adjust and make yourself accommodating to adversity. Those charities you work for, it is more out of your heart and kindness than it is to give some legitimacy to the Petrelli name. But you’ve made it work both ways: not just for your own desires, but for the family, too. It’s compromise, even if it makes you feel good. I want to do something good just for you and the boys. Too many times I am thinking about the Family rather than the individual people who make it up—or about everyone else. I want to learn how to compromise, like what comes naturally to you. I want to have both worlds.

I stop writing. Two different worlds. My ability allows me to become part of a different world, in a sense. Like what I showed Peter: no one else on the ground—unless they can fly, which I’m not gonna doubt is possible, but I haven’t met anybody else except my brother who can fly—will see the morning view we did. The temples my brother showed me. The Sun and the Moon. Doubles. Two worlds. Two halves. I need both Peter and Heidi to be happy, but I need my brother more. This is something Peter understands at the hospital. The jealously. But Heidi, she sees it as well, despite how we haven’t spoken about it. Things she said at her parents’ house leads me to believe that. And in my dreams, she understands and accepts that. But that’s in dreams. I don’t know how she will react in person. Things can be easier in dreams. Those were my haven during my drunken fugue. The nightmares came during my waking hours. But I learned, not too long ago, not all of those were manufacturings of my own depressed brain. A man who had completely submitted to defeat and his self-hatred and I was still being toyed with and used in somebody’s plot. Maybe I’ll get lucky and she’ll really understand. I have never been that lucky, though, so I’m not expecting this to be a first time.

I pick up the pen and begin again.

I wish I could give you a definite time of when I’m coming home, but we aren’t to that point yet. If you need me for any reason, you can reach me by phone. I hope that my letter finds you well on this day. I wish I was well enough to be with you, Simon, and Monty now. I love you all. Please give the boys a hug and a kiss from me. Also tell them that I wish I was home now because I miss them and love them very much. I love you, too, very much, Hei. When I get back, I want to give you many things, but one particular thing is rather minimal and surprisingly normal in the scope of my life: I want to dance with you. A year ago today was our last dance. That is too long to go without when we are both able.

Your loving husband,

Nathan